The Mad and Zany Misadventures of Lucius and Snape
by Ivory Tower
Summary: On their own these two are evil and menacing, but when they get together they encounter the oddest situations. Chapter 6: Explore the realm of utter grooviness that is Lucius Malfoy's garden. Yes! The one place where he and Snape find true happiness!
1. Default Chapter

Title: The Arts As We See It  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Dislcaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all things good in Harry Potter  
  
  
Lucius walked in on Narcissa as she was sorting through her evening gowns.  
  
"Have you found a fourth person, yet," he asked his wife.  
  
"Well, yes and no."  
  
Lucius felt his temper rise a notch. Here it was, the day of that silly ballet Narcissa had begged him to take her to see, and she couldn't even give him a straight answer. Draco, sensing an argument, stood in the doorway of his parents' bedroom.  
  
"If you can't find a fourth person, do I still have to go?"  
  
"Yes," hissed Narcissa. "I want you to have a thorough education in the arts."  
  
Lucius lit up a cigarette. "Then let us take him to a museum, instead."  
  
Narcissa frowned at her son and husband until Draco slunk off, and Lucius decided to be a bit nicer.  
  
"Who did you find," he asked, fervently hoping it was not his mother-in-law.  
  
Narcissa eliminated another gown from the remaining seven. "Why don't you invite Severus?"  
  
Lucius began to laugh and choked on cigarette smoke. "Narcissa, do you honestly think that Severus will want to waste an evening watching ballet?"  
  
"He is your friend. You should do something nice for him."  
  
"I am trying, but you seem determined to make me do otherwise."  
  
Narcissa glared at her husband. "We need a fourth person!"  
  
"Has it ever ocurred to you that Severus may have other plans?"  
  
"I don't care! I want to see that show, and we need four people!" Narcissa's eyes gleamed ferociously, as they always did when preparing to fight to have her own way. "That man never leaves his house unless it's to go and get some horrid thing for one of those potions of his."  
  
Lucius took a deep drag off his cigarette. If he had to suffer an evening of froofy nonsense, he would at least have company. Besides, it would be highly amusing to see Severus' expressions throughout the program.  
  
"I'll owl him express," assented Lucius, and left Narcissa to ponder over her various evening gowns.  
  
Snape frowned as he Apparated to the theatre. He hated large places filled with people. Come to think of it, he wasn't entirely too fond of nonsensical shows either. Lucius was Snape's friend, and the letter he'd owled had been rather urgent. Snape knew Narcissa quite well, which meant that Lucius would catch seven different shades of hell if his wife did not get to attend the show. They had reserved four seats, and needed four people to gain access to the event. Appearently, it was a very popular show. Knowing Narcissa, it was a fripperish romance, thought Snape with a grimace.  
  
After scanning the crowd, Severus located a brigade of blonds which his eyes soon confirmed to be the Malfoy family. Joining them, he noticed that Draco looked bored out of his mind, and rather sulky. His expression changed into one of shock when he saw the Potions Master approach. Lucius brightened.  
  
"Severus, glad you could make it."  
  
"Do they serve liquor at this event," responded Snape grumpily.  
  
"Don't be silly," said Narcissa.  
  
Snape tried not to leer at Narcissa's tight red evening gown. He almost asked her how she'd managed to fit into so tight a dress. Obviously, she was waiting for him to compliment her beauty. With a restrained sigh, Snape tried not to sound like an overly-charismatic ass kisser when he told Narcissa she looked lovely.  
  
"And so does Lucius," he added, monotone.  
  
Narcissa let out a laugh. Lucius threatened to cane Severus for that one. Draco gave his professor a strange look. Snape never made jokes at school.  
  
All too quickly they filed into the theatre, took their seats, and waited for the show to begin. When the lights dimmed and the first ballerina danced onto the stage, Snape rounded on Lucius like a rattle on a muskrat.  
  
"You did not inform me that this was to be *ballet*!"  
  
"Slipped my mind," replied Lucius in a bored tone.  
  
Draco looked a tad nauseated when male dancers joined the female dancers.  
  
"Those tights leave nothing to the imagination," commented Lucius. Leaning towards Narcissa, he whispered, "Is that the reason you were so determined to come?"  
  
"Shhh," hissed Narcissa harshly.  
  
"Lucius, you are exposing your son to perversion. Men in pink tights with bulging genitals," remarked Snape.  
  
Both Draco and Lucius snickered. Narcissa gave the three a cold look. Snape leaned back and blew his hair out of his face. Lucius rested a finger beneath his bottom lip.  
  
"They need to jump higher. Perhaps if I shoved my cane up their asses..."  
  
Draco snickered into his hand. Snape smirked, trying very hard not to lose his composure. Narcissa discreetly kicked her husband.  
  
"I give up. Why is he dancing around the women with a bow and arrow," Snape wanted to know.  
  
"He's trying to demonstrate his manliness, I suppose," offered Lucius  
  
"Well, he has failed."  
  
"He's Cupid, you two idiots! Now be quiet!"  
  
Snape, Draco, and Lucius smirked and were quiet until the next act.  
  
"Do any of these dancers ever split their tights in the back," inquired Lucius. Narcissa slapped his hand.  
  
"Why do they even bother wearing tights? You can measure their ass cracks with perfect precision from here, even. They might as well twirl about naked."  
  
"Nude ballet. Severus, you amaze me."  
  
"Shut up, both of you! Lucius, you're a bad influence on your son!"  
  
"I beg to differ, dear. I am not the one leaping about in sequined white tights."  
  
"Why are you staring so intently at the men," asked Snape.  
  
"These women are too thin and flat-chested for my tastes. Besides, it's getting difficult to tell the difference."  
  
"Well, if you get too confused just look at their crotches."  
  
"Severus!" Narcissa was shocked. Draco was hitting the side of his chair he was laughing so hard. Narcissa give him a harsh look until he quieted down.  
  
They watched the show in silence until one of the male dancers picked up a female and spun around with her. Snape flattened himself against his seat.   
  
"Is his hand where I think it is?"  
  
Lucius studied the complex dance move at length. "Yes, one of his hands is propped between her legs."  
  
Snape looked over at Draco. "Under normal circumstances the woman would never allow a man she'd just met to touch her there."  
  
Lucius smirked. "This is a very dirty ballet." Narcissa buried her face in her hands.  
  
When the intermission was announced, Lucius and Snape raced outside to light cigarettes.  
  
"How much longer is this going to last," Snape demanded.  
  
Lucius shrugged, and suddenly looked a tad sheepish. Narcissa marched towards them with a wrathful expression. Draco silently tailed her, giving his father a look that said "you're really going to catch it".  
  
Glaring at her husband, Narcissa informed him that he was an immature embarassment to her and the Malfoy name. After this evening she wouldn't be able to hold up her head for a month! Also, Lucius was a disgraceful father with an utter lack of respect for his wife.  
  
"I would hit you, but you've already made enough of a spectacle for one evening, Lucius Malfoy!" Narcissa then rounded on Snape, stamped on his foot, and called him a greasy, introverted pervert who wouldn't recognize good taste if it bit him on his ugly, hooked nose. Narcissa then seized Draco's hand and stomped back inside. Draco knew better than to protest, and fervently hoped none of his schoolmates were around. Lucius and Snape exchanged looks.  
  
"I guess we've upset her," said Snape.  
  
"She's always high strung. She'll get over it," said Lucius, though he didn't sound very confident.  
  
"No more sexual jokes."  
  
"No more comments about tights."  
  
"Agreed."  
  
They were just in time for the next scene. Apparently, the lady and her lover were in a garden setting, basking in the romantic blissfulness of life. A subdued Lucius and Snape watched with remote interest when, quite abruptly, a naked man tore across the stage. It was so sudden that at first no one caught it. Then, the realization that it had indeed happened kicked in. Lucius and Snape exchanged glances to confirm to each other that they were not crazy, then they looked back at the stage. Simultaneously, Lucius, Snape, and Draco realized that the naked man was *not* part of the act.  
  
Draco was sprawled in his chair, helpless with laughter. When Snape overheard an elderly witch exclaim "Merciful Merlin!" he, too, became overcome with laughter. Lucius laughed a deep and throaty laugh that Narcissa hadn't heard in years. She regarded her husband, surprised, then she, too, began to titter.  
  
When the show finally ended, Severus thanked the Malfoys for a most amusing evening. Before Disapparating, Snape took Draco aside.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy-Draco-I would appreciate it if you would not tell anyone at Hogwarts that I attended a ballet."  
  
"I won't say anything if you won't," replied Draco.  
  
Snape smiled a rueful smile, nodded, and held out his hand. "Agreed."  
  
They shook hands, and turned to go their separate ways when none other than Professor Albus Dumbledore walked up to them.  
  
"A most entertaining show, wouldn't you gentlemen agree," he said, blue eyes twinkling.  
  
~FIN~ 


	2. Lucius Malfoy's Terrifying Loss

Title: Lucius Malfoy's Terrifying Loss  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
  
"Narcissa!" Lucius stampeded down the hall while pulling on his black cloak. "Where is my cane?"  
  
"Isn't it by the bed?"  
  
"No! Find it! I'm going to be late!"  
  
Narcissa and the house servents were forced to search for Lucius Malfoy's beloved cane. Lucius found the top half, consisting of his wand, on the dresser. This was a relief, but Lucius wanted the rest of his cane as well. He just didn't feel right without it. He felt...incomplete.   
  
"Damn," he yelled, thoroughly irritated.  
  
"Well, Lucius, I don't know what you've done with it," snapped Narcissa.  
  
Lucius' eyes widened. *He* had not misplaced it. Someone must had taken the bottom half of his cane. There was no other explanation.  
  
"Which one of you stole the other half of my cane," demanded Lucius, eyes flashing dangerously.  
  
The poor servents exchanged horrified glances.  
  
"Who would want to steal an incomplete cane? Really, darling, you're overreacting. You're also late for work," Narcissa informed her husband.  
  
Lucius Malfoy had no other option than to go to work without his beloved cane. He sneered at Arthur Weasley upon arriving. Arthur halted and stared at him.  
  
"Lucius...you look different. Did you trim your hair?"  
  
"Go and fiddle with some useless Muggle invention, you fool," spat Lucius, and stalked to his office.  
  
Things only went downhill from there. Fudge called Lucius in to see if he could smooth over a writing error that had deeply offended the receiving party. Appearently, the writer, in a bit of a hurry, had written the words "public relations" and had omitted the 'l' in the first word. Fudge was too much of a pansy to face the heat himself. Lucius spent the better part of two hours being called a series of rude names. Oh, how Lucius had missed his cane. Then again, it was probably a very good thing he hadn't had it at that point.  
  
By lunch, Lucius was feeling very uneasy. He just knew that if he'd been in posession of his cane that insolent asshole would not have talked down to him. No one ever dared speak so disrespectfully to Lucius Malfoy! Where was the other half of his cane? Who had stolen it? One of his co-workers? Was there a conspiracy to see him falter from his esteemed position? Were they secretly laughing behind his back?  
  
Someone knocked on the door and walked on in.  
  
"Sir, would you l-"  
  
"Get out, evil infidel," yelled Lucius, leaping behind his desk for cover.  
  
His secretary screamed in terror and immediately obeyed. Had she dared to linger she would have seen a pair of keen gray eyes, draped with long ash blond hair, peering over the desk, frantically darting from side to side. He would not let them win! But what if it wasn't them? Who else could it be? Had his own *wife* been lying to him? What possible reason would Narcissa have for denying him his precious cane? Maybe it wasn't Narcissa. Perhaps Draco had it. But he was at school-and so was Severus Snape. Yes, Severus was the only person with a reason to steal the bottom half of Lucius Malfoy's cane!  
  
Snape surveyed his class unfavorably. "As you can see, these speckled frog livers form an integral part of the-"  
  
The door flew open, giving everyone in the room a jolt. The tall, slender figure of Lucius Malfoy stormed in, eyes blazing, long blond hair streaming behind him. Draco had to do a double take.  
  
"Father?"  
  
"You *stole* my cane," bellowed Lucius, thrusting his finger at Severus.  
  
Snape narrowed his black eyes. "Excuse me," he asked in his quiet, sinister voice.  
  
"Where *is* it? Give it back now!" Lucius stood before Snape, mindless of the whispers floating about him.  
  
"Who is that?"  
  
"Isn't that Draco's father?"  
  
"Hey, Malfoy," whispered Ron, "looks like your old man's finally cracked."  
  
"Shove it, Weasley," hissed Draco, though he secretly agreed.  
  
Snape resolved to be calm. "Lucius," he said, closing his book, "I have no idea what you are ranting about. Th-"  
  
With a growl, Lucius lunged at Snape, knocking both of them onto the floor. The students immediately encircled the two men as they rolled around, each trying to gain the upper hand.  
  
"Fight! Fight!" chanted the Slytherins, and several Gryffindors.  
  
Draco was too stunned to do anything but watch his father and his favorite professor pummel one another mercilessly.  
  
"You slimy bastard! You took my cane," shrieked Lucius.  
  
"I took nothing! You're mad," yelled Snape, trying to remove Lucius' hands from his throat with one hand, and fumbling for his wand with the other.  
  
"You've always been jealous of my cane and I! And you didn't even steal the whole thing, you moronic ass! What good is half a cane to you?"  
  
"That cane has corrupted your mind, Lucius! It's an obsession! You cannot function without it! It's an inanimate object for Merlin's sake," rasped Snape, managing to pin the mad Malfoy down, knees resting on Lucius' shoulders.  
  
A few of the spectators, including Harry Potter, giggled as naughty thoughts entered their minds.  
  
"Harry," admonished Hermione, clearly not approving.  
  
"My cane," groaned Lucius. "I am less than a man without my cane!"  
  
Seamus looked at Dean. "Which 'cane' is he talking about here?"  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Obviously, the cane represents an extension of Mr. Malfoy's manhood. The absence, or robbery, of the cane is clearly a threat to his manhood. Therefore,-"  
  
"All right," spat Snape, "I admit it. I stole the blasted thing, but only because I'm sick to death of your bringing it down on my shoulder in that damned abrupt fashion! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?"  
  
"The caaaaaaaaaaane," moaned Lucius, unblinking, resembling a zombie. "The caaaaaaaaane!" He gripped Severus' arms, and his eyes began to roll back.  
  
"For fuck's sake, give him the rest of his cane, professor," said Draco, thoroughly freaked out.  
  
"Here! Take the bloody thing!" Snape reached inside his voluminous black robes and produced Lucius' better half. Lucius replaced his wand into the cane, got to his feet, adjusted his cloak, and exited.  
  
The next morning...  
  
"Narcissa! Where are my black leather gloves?"  
  
Back at Hogwarts...  
  
Snape lie on his bed, rubbing the glorious leather gloves against his pale cheek. He paused, momentarily, and deeply inhaled the luxerious scent with his abnormally large nose. Next time he would take something...a little more intimate. Smiling, Snape stuffed Lucius Malfoy's black leather gloves down the front of his pants, and went out to greet the day.  
  
~FIN~  
  
A/N: Please note that each story does not follow any kind of continuity. Each story is unique unto itself. 


	3. RubADubDub

Title: Rub-A-Dub-Dub  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.  
  
  
After a particularly stressful day at work, Lucius Malfoy decided to take a bath. A nice, long soak in the tub would soothe his nerves and rejuvinate his aching muscles. Lucius kissed his wife, handed his cane and cloak to a house elf, and headed upstairs for the master bathroom.  
  
Dressed in a white bathrobe, Lucius turned on the taps of the luxuriently large tub and waited for it to fill with warm water. What a perfectly rotten day he'd had! That idiot Fudge had lost a very important file dealing with International Magic, and had sent Lucius on a mad treasure hunt all over the building. He'd been forced to exchange discourse with that intolerable Percy Weasley, who'd had the nerve to ask Lucius his opinion on cauldron bottom thickness! With people like Percy and Arthur Weasly in the population the wizarding world had little hope of surviving.  
  
Once his bath was ready, Lucius slid out of his robe and stepped into the marble tub. A stifled giggle startled him plenty, and he whirled around to see the door cracked open. One of Narcissa's bright blue eyes peered in at him.  
  
"Act your age, Narcissa," scolded Lucius, in no mood for silliness of any kind.  
  
"Would you like a drink?" inquired Narcissa, still trying to quell her giggling.  
  
"Yes-fine-leave it downstairs," grumbled Lucius. "I don't want to be disturbed."  
  
Narcissa went on her way, tittering behind her hand. As if she hadn't seen him naked a hundred times already! Lucius slid down into the tub, leaned back, and closed his eyes, basking in the peaceful bliss. An enormous BANG caused Lucius to jolt out of his relaxation mode.  
  
"What the hell was *that*?" he shouted, for he loathed loud abrubt noises.  
  
One of the servents had dropped a metal urn. Lucius threatened to stuff the guilty person inside the urn if he or she disrupted his solitude again. With an exhasperated sigh, Lucius reached over and unfolded the Daily Prophet. That idiot Lockhart had regained his memory. Shame. The fool had written a new book entitled "Me, Myself, and I: Getting To Know Myself...Again." Lucius frowned at Lockhart's grinning picture.  
  
A loud knocking on the bathroom door caused Lucius to drop the newspaper into the water. Cursing, Lucius retrieved the dripping newspaper and demanded the identity of the disrupter.  
  
"Father, I saw this limited edition wizard chess set in Diagon Alley! It has-!"  
  
"I do not care what it has! I am busy. We shall discuss it later," yelled Lucius.  
  
"But father, the figures do this excellent-!"  
  
"Draco, if I have to come out there, I shall be forced to give you a sound thrashing with my cane!"  
  
After several silent moments, Draco's sulky tone apologized and footsteps were heard leaving the bathroom door. In vain, Lucius attempted to read the soggy newspaper, but he soon threw it aside in frustration. Really, the boy was too spoiled for his own good, but Lucius Malfoy would not have his son do without the finer things in life and end up like those deplorable Weasley brats.  
  
Lucius caught snatches of muffled conversation from downstairs. Draco was more than likely badgering Narcissa about that rediculus chess set. When would the boy learn it was futile to go to his mother? Lucius Malfoy controlled the money, and always would. For an instant, Lucius amused himself by picturing Narcissa with complete control of the bank account. Actually, it was pretty frightening. That woman would probably have the entire house done up in pink fluffy, frilly nonsense if Lucius did not exert some form of control over her.  
  
Narcissa's voice broke into Lucius' thoughts. He looked towards the door, baffled. His wife's voice was right outside the door and sounded very...perplexed. Lucius opened his mouth when the bathroom door burst open.  
  
"Don't go in there!" shouted Narcissa.  
  
Lucius caught a glimpse of a big black blur before it collided into the tub and fell on him. Lucius spluttered and struggled against the black shape. When he managed to get water from his eyes, Lucius found himself face to face with a very wet Severus Snape.  
  
"Severus! What the hell are you doing, man?"  
  
Snape frowned as the tried to get off Lucius, but only slipped and the two ended up in a very compromising position.  
  
"Get off me!"  
  
"I am trying!"  
  
"I don't believe this!"  
  
"This tub is too slippery!"  
  
After much fumbling and splashing, Snape somehow ended up between Lucius' legs. Lucius punched at him.  
  
"Get off! Get off!"  
  
Narcissa carefully walked over and tried to be of assistance. She managed to get hold of Snape's shoulder, but he was far too heavy for Narcissa to heave upright. Narcissa slipped on the wet floor and, with a shriek, plopped into the tub beside her husband.  
  
"Oh, my hair!" she groaned, trying to sit up. She seized a fistfull of Snape's hair and slid down further when Snape yelped and jerked away.  
  
Lucius moaned, for he was getting rather squished. The more the three tried to free themselves from the tub, the more they slid. Narcissa slapped Snape when one of his hands somehow ended up between her breasts.  
  
"Be careful, you two," shouted Lucius, who still had Severus pinned between his legs, and was fearful of being kneed in his privates.  
  
"Ow! Stop it!" snarled Snape to Narcissa as she pounded her fists on his back.  
  
Narcissa tried to climb over Snape, but one of her legs was tangled in her long dress. For leverage, she dug her hands into Snape, who yelped. Much to Narcissa's embarrassment, she had two handfuls of Snape's skinny butt.  
  
"This is all your fault," Narcissa informed Snape, pounding his butt as hard as she could.  
  
"Lucius, control your wife!"  
  
"Get your knee away from my manhood, please. Where's your other ha-aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! That's *my* ass, you pervert! Narcissa, I think your foot is sandwiched between Severus and me."  
  
Narcissa let out a roar of frustration.  
  
Draco stood in his parents bedroom gaping at the bathroom door, but not daring to enter. He heard-he couldn't believe what he was hearing! It made Draco cover his mouth with his hands and cringe.  
  
"No! No! You'll drown us all!"  
  
"I can't get it out!"  
  
"Severus, you are squashing me!"  
  
"Tell your wife to stop beating me there!"  
  
"Eeeeeee! That pinches!"  
  
"Narcissa, please leave Severus' ass alone!"  
  
While all this was going on there were a series of splashes, and squeaks of flesh sliding against the marble. Draco staggered out of his parents' room feeling quite ill.  
  
At long last, Severus and Narcissa freed themselves from the tumultuous tub. Trailing threats, Narcissa stalked into the bedroom for dry clothes. Snape sat on the wet floor, wiping wet strands of hair from his face. Overwhelmed, Lucius took in the drenced bathroom and the state of his friend.  
  
"What did you want?" Lucius inquired numbly.  
  
Snape was quiet a moment or two. "I forgot."  
  
~FIN~ 


	4. Damn, We're Smooth

Title: Damn, We're Smooth  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I did have a dream about Lucius the other night. I can't remember specifics, though I do recall it involved hair. Go figure.  
  
  
Lucius Malfoy was bored. He sat at his desk in his study, and gazed dejectedly out the window. The day's paperwork was done, it was Friday evening, and the familiar pursual of a novel left a bad taste in Lucius' mouth. He wanted to do something more exciting. Honestly, the sinister blond was so bored he nearly summoned his wife and asked her if she wanted to go shopping.  
  
The joyous laughter of Draco and his friends, as they played chicken on their brooms, distracted Lucius. Children always found ways to occupy themselves. Lucky things. They had yet to learn the restrictions of embarassment. Children would do anything for even the briefest timeframe so long as it entertained them. Really, being an adult was most confining and unimaginative. After all, Lucius couldn't very well run outside and suggest a playful game of fortress, where the players assaulted each other mercilessly with dirt clods. A child could come up with anything and be smiled at, whereas an adult had to watch himself or he'd be shipped off to the madhouse.  
  
With a sigh, Lucius propped his head on his hand and idlely let the pages of a thick volume fall beneath his thin fingers. Glancing outside yet again, Lucius discovered that Draco and his droogs had taken to tying rope around their ankles and attatching the other end to the handles of their broomsticks. Lucius hurried outside before Draco could take off with his friend, Lance, attatched to his Firebolt.  
  
"Stop that before one of you end up maimed!"  
  
With guilty grins, the boys obliged.  
  
"If only we had a house elf, we could use it."  
  
"Well we do not have a house elf anymore, Draco."  
  
"If we had Potter, we could use him."  
  
"Draco, I am going to tie *you* to the end of my broom and fly over a tarpit if you do not do as I say."  
  
"Wicked!" exclaimed one of the boys.  
  
Lucius shot them a final warning look before retiring once more to the study.  
  
"Grownups," muttered Lance.  
  
Early the next morning, Lucius ventured from the shower feeling somewhat glum. Narcissa was spending the day shopping with her friends, and Lucius Malfoy did not wish to participate, thank-you. Opening the door to his wardrobe, Lucius dropped his towel when confronted with his mother-in-law.  
  
"Lucius Malfoy," she crowed, "I told you to cut that hair and-"  
  
Recovering, Lucius seized his wand, pointed it at the old woman, and yelled, "Redikulus!"  
  
Her wig fell off and she shrieked, hopping around madly. When the boggart was vanquished, Lucius went downstairs to breakfast where Draco sat behaving a little too well.  
  
"Morning, father," greeted Draco in his most polite voice.  
  
Lucius eyed his son warily as he shook out a fresh napkin.  
  
"I don't want to know where or how, Draco, but if it had better not happen again."  
  
"What happened, dear?" inquired Narcissa as the maid poured tea and coffee.  
  
Draco smirked while his father briefly explained the boggart incident.  
  
"Draco! That isn't funny," chided Narcissa, then immediately spotted a sale in the paper. "Oh look! Thirty percent off all jewelery at The Bejewled Banshee!"  
  
Lucius frowned at his wife and picked up his coffee. "No more idiotic acrobatics on that broom today, Draco."  
  
"No time for that," Draco informed his father. "Lance and I are going to Diagon Alley."  
  
"You will do well to remember not to venture down Knockturn Alley unless you desire an impressive whacking in front of your little friends."  
  
Draco made a face. "Father, I'm far too old to be spanked."  
  
"That's what you think. *My* father gave me an occassional spanking until I was seventeen."  
  
Narcissa burst into giggles upon hearing this. Lucius frowned at her. None of them noticed the maid hurry out of the dining room with her hand over her mouth.  
  
By early afternoon, Lucius was getting desperate for entertainment. Being in a somewhat intellectual mood, he picked up some powder and tossed it into the fireplace.  
  
"Severus, what are you doing?"  
  
A moment later, Snape's grouchy head appeared, cigarette positioned in the corner of his mouth.  
  
"Research," came the reply. "What do you want?"  
  
"Care for a game of chess?"  
  
"No! I am busy!"  
  
"Too bad. Now, get your cloak and get over here."  
  
A few minutes later, Snape's skinny, greasy-haired figure stepped into Lucius' receiving room.  
  
"Couldn't you bother someone else?"  
  
"Severus, are you ever in a good mood?"  
  
"No!"  
  
Lucius smirked. Once they were in the study, he fired up a joint.  
  
"Oh, you're cool," sneered Snape, seating himself in one of the plush red chairs.  
  
"Severus, if I looked to you for acceptance, I'd be in a world of hurt. Have you considered becoming a guidance counselor? I can see it now: 'Sir, nothing seems to be going right in my life.' 'Shut up and stop wasting my time you miserable little brat!'".  
  
Snape scowled at Lucius and accepted the joint. "I suppose your advice would be to get a new suit."  
  
"Actually, I'd advise investing in auto-erotic self-help literature."  
  
"That kid of yours is doomed, Lucius. He's probably sitting in the back of a dark, seedy club at this very moment, smoking hydroponic, and saying, 'My old man's a dick!'"  
  
They played a game of chess or two, then lit up another joint.  
  
"You handle your weed much better than you used to, Severus."  
  
"You're the one who had the epiphany about blast-ended skrewts, then wrote an essay on it."  
  
"I was fifteen!"  
  
"Well, you thought of it, didn't you?" Snape suddenly looked thoughtful. "My hair feels weird," he announced, and proceed to run his fingers through it.  
  
"Merlin's scrotum, Severus, you washed it!" choked Lucius, finally exhaling smoke.  
  
Snape gave him a funny look, then abruptly burst into laughter. He hadn't had a good laugh in a very long time. The sound of his own laughter sounded odd. Actually, it sounded funny, and Severus proceeded to laugh uproariously at his own laughter.  
  
"You are definitely fucked up," Lucius informed him. "I believe you've had enough."  
  
"Give me that!" Snape reached for the joint.  
  
"No." Lucius was silent a moment, then said, "What if, to the Supreme Being, the entire universe is one little room, and ultra-violet is nothing more than a theory?"  
  
"There you go again, always attempting to be philosophical in your drug-induced dementia," coughed Snape.  
  
"Do you have a better idea?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Well? What is it?"  
  
"What is what?"  
  
"What were we talking about?"  
  
"Horseradish."  
  
Lucius burst into uncontrollable laughter. Snape soon joined in, his legs trembling a bit. His legs always trembled a bit when he was on a good high. Still laughing, Snape pulled out a cigarette and repeatedly attempted to light it with his wand.  
  
"Damn thing won't work!"  
  
"It's in backwards, you idiot!"  
  
"Wha-oh." Snape turned the cigarette around, lit it, and made a face. "Damn charred filter tastes like crap."  
  
Lucius lounged in his chair. "I'm hungry."  
  
"Same here."  
  
"Go and get a servent."  
  
"I'm too comfortable to move."  
  
"Then we'll just sit here."  
  
They sat.  
  
"This is a damn good cigarette," announced Snape.  
  
"Do you think Minerva McGonagall wears underwear?"  
  
Snape winced. "Lucius, you scare me."  
  
"It's a legitimate question."  
  
"You are mentally ill for thinking such a thing!"  
  
"Do you mentally undress your students?"  
  
"Lucius, you are a pervert!" More silence. "Some of them."  
  
Lucius chuckled in gleeful delight. "Who's the pervert now? I'll bet you've had some of your past girlfriends dress up like school girls and partake of some disciplinary role-playing."  
  
"Does Narcissa know you are this perverted?"  
  
"One time, Narcissa sent me some nude photographs of herself to the Ministry for a surpise anniversary present. Only, the owl delivered them to Fudge by mistake, and he gave me a huge Christmas bonus."  
  
"You are lying!"  
  
Lucius shook his head. He managed to get to his feet. "Let's go outside for some fresh air, shall we?"  
  
Narcissa Malfoy came home to quite a chaotic household. She heard loud laughter, but couldn't see where it was coming from. A mob of servents ran outside to meet Narcissa, informing her that her husband had gone mad. They led her around to the back of the house where she saw Lucius, laughing hysterically, riding his broom low to the ground, and dragging Snape by the ankle by aide of some rope. Snape lie there with his arms dragging behind him, cigarette in mouth, giggling like an escaped mental patient.  
  
Narcissa hid her face in her hand. That dratted husband of hers had been hitting the dope again. It wasn't at all surprising when the two men ended up at the hospital to have several broken bones mended. Lucius was not very pleased when he learned that broken collar bones took several treatments to heal, but he considered the tradeoff for a day of fun well worth the sacrifice.  
  
~FIN~ 


	5. Ah, Sweet Mystery of Malfoy

Title: Ah, Sweet Mystery of Malfoy  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters. If I have one more dream about Jason Isaacs I don't know what I'm going to do! I'm obsessed, I tell ya!  
  
  
Lucius Malfoy was a man of many talents: manipulation, domination, bird-calling. He was a charming, attractive man; pale of skin, sharp grey eyes, long ash blond hair, and a small scar just below his left buttock from, ahem, experimenting in his youth. Always dressed at the height of fashion, Lucius Malfoy cut an elegant image indeed with his tailored robes, satin-lined cloaks, and matching socks. The serpent headed cane Lucius always carried was his trademark. Suave, cold, impeccable-Lucius Malfoy.  
  
The man had the best of everything, a mansion, a beautiful wife, a son who admired him, and the best cookware this side of Middle Earth. But there was something different about Lucius Malfoy that separated him from other men. A secret that Lucius Malfoy vowed to carry, unspoken, to the grave. Lucius Malfoy wore ladies lingerie.  
  
There was no clear memory of how it had all started. Lucius' childhood and teenage years were a whirlwind of scenarios,some more memorable than others-like the time he and and Crabbe had sold themselves in Hogsmeade for drinking money. His earliest memory of donning delicate underappearal went back to his fifth year at Hogwarts.   
  
Lucius could recall being alone in the boys dorm while the others were at a Quidditch match. Alone with his secret. There, Lucius would preen himself in front of the strangely approving mirror, decked out in white lacey panties and a bra to match. Other times, he would wear a sultry white satin, sleeveless nightgown with a flowing white robe to match. Then, with his long blond hair trailing down his back, Lucius Malfoy would pretend to be a damsel in distress, locked away in a high tower and waiting for a handsome prince to rescue him.  
  
Oh, how Lucius longed for his prince to come to the window, riding astride a Hungarian Horntail! Alas, no amount of dreaming and wishing could summon the prince. Heartbroken, Lucius would change back into his simple black Hogwarts robes and stow away his secret before the other boys walked in. He so wanted to be swept off his feet in his pretty feminine attire. And nothing could beat the thrill of riding one's broom while wearing black satin panties beneath one's uniform. Lucius had tried wearing the white cotton briefs that all good teenage boys wear, but they hadn't felt right. Only when Lucius Malfoy felt the gentle caress of silken bra straps and flower embroidered underpants did he feel whole.  
  
One day, during breakfast-or it might have been in the hall nabbing candy from a crying first year-Lucius had finally discovered his prince. Like so many causal things, it just...happened: A vision of perfection with crooked teeth, a large hooked nose, and longe greasy black hair. Lucius' skinny and gangling knight in shining armor! A sneering, disagreeable Slytherin by the name of Severus Snape!  
  
Entranced, Lucius had rushed over and introduced himself, longing to stroke Snape's hooked nose. Those dark eyes regarded Lucius like black pearls suspended in ice. Snape smelled of onions and cough syrup. It was all Lucius could do to keep himself from seizing Severus Snape, and burying his nose in the boy's oily hair to inhale it's eccentric scent.  
  
The boys became good friends in a short time. Snape was grumpy and hateful, but he seemed to genuinely like Lucius. Sometimes, during potions, Lucius swore that Snape would look at him with longing in those unfriendly black circles of sight. Usually, Lucius attributed this to an overactive imagination on his part, and the stimulation of peach polyester against his crotch.  
  
Years passed and the boys grew into men; their friendship prevailing. Lucius maintained his secret lifestyle of camosals and nylons. He even acquired a wife and produced a son. Men and women feared him. His associates respected him. No one would ever imagine that this dashing and distinguished blond man oftentimes danced about his bedroom draped in shimmery shawls and his wife's diamond jewelery. Severus Snape would certainly never guess that his dear friend led a double life cloaked in pettycoats and vanilla-scented perfume.  
  
One day, when Narcissa and Draco were away visiting relatives, Lucius opened his beloved trunk and stared down at the magnificant treasures it held. Picking up a flowing pink silk dress, Lucius held it against his chest and thought of Severus. Dear Severus, with never a kind word for anyone, always complaining, ever in need of a bath. Today was the day! Lucius could restrain himself no longer. His passionate desires must be realized! Lucius floated to his desk, sat down, and picked up his quill.  
  
Snape was not in the best of moods when he Apparated onto Lucius Malfoy's porch. To be sure, Snape hadn't the slightest inkling why he was in a bad mood. The day had been pleasant enough, but who cared? The damn sun was shining too brightly, and this morning's orange juice could have settled better in his stomach.  
  
A house elf answered the door and told Snape to go upstairs to Lucius's bedroom. Snape's dark eyebrows furrowed.  
  
"The bedroom? Is Lucius ill?"  
  
The house elf looked quite upset by this question, and finally responded by attempting to drown itself in the watering can. Shaking his head, Snape ascended the stairs.  
  
"Severus, is that you," called Lucius from behind the green door.  
  
"Yes. What do you want?"  
  
"Come in. I must show you...something."  
  
With a frown, Snape entered the bedroom and stopped as though hit by an invisible barrier.   
  
Lucius lie on the canopied four poster bed, clad in a long flowing pink silk dress and an equisite ivory shawl dusted with sequins. Rose petals covered the plush white satin comforter. A bottle of champagne and two glasses sat on the dresser.  
  
"Severus!" Lucius sat up, revealing that he also wore Narcissa's beaded hair ornament. "Severus, come and dance with me. Ravage me with your delightfully dirty dong!"  
  
Snape was far too stunned to move as Lucius glided over and swept him across the floor into a waltz. Now, Snape had never waltzed in his life, and he repeatedly tripped over Lucius' flowing gown. Lucius grinned and cupped Snape's ass.  
  
"Oh, how I have longed for this day, my sallow skinned siren!"  
  
"Lucius...release my ass, please."  
  
"Oooooooooh! My panties make life so thrilling!" roared Lucius in his masculine voice. He draped his sequined shawl around Snape and pulled him closer. "My, you are pretty for such an ugly man! Kiss me, you crooked toothed tiger!"  
  
"No!" Severus struggled to get free.  
  
"Kiss me! Grope me! Feel my panties with your hands, you lecherous lampchop!"  
  
"Lucius!"   
  
Both men turned to see the fair Narcissa standing in the doorway.  
  
"Narcissa!" Lucius released the not-so-fair Snape and went over to his wife. "I would oh-so-love for you to shove bon bons up my pretty ass!" he exclaimed, taking Narcissa's hands in his.  
  
"Oh, you silly man! It's sooooooooo sinful!" squeaked Narcissa, giving her husband a peck on the cheek.  
  
Several spectators that day witnessd Severus Snape running out of Malfoy manner, wearing a white shawl, and screaming as though his very soul were in anguish. They merely shook their heads and commented on the eccentricities of Malfoy manor.  
  
When school started, no one was able to explain why Snape went into hysterics when bon bons appeared on the table for dessert.  
  
~FIN~ 


	6. Gardening Gone Awry

Title: Gardening Gone Awry  
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. I own all rights to the Plagiarizing Pansy.  
  
One particularly overcast afternoon, Lucius Malfoy stood in the "secret" section of his garden with one Severus Snape. Snape (everyone referred to him as such, except for Lucius) was collecting some rather "exotic" ingredients to brew a "medicinal elixir" for Lucius and himself. A rather green and very calming medicinal elixir. Oh, have it your own way! Snape was cutting wormwood in order to brew a batch of his special absinthe; a centuries old recipe within the Snape family.  
  
"How bright your garden looks!"  
  
"Severus, stop stealing dialog from Tolkien's books and harvest that wormwood. I've had a most stressful week at the Ministry," stated Lucius Malfoy in his usual haughty tone.  
  
"I did not say that, you insufferably dense blond. It was that damn Plagiarizing Pansy!" retorted Snape, jerking his greasy head toward the offending plant.  
  
How Snape loathed pansies, but then, he loathed all pretty floras unless he could chop it up to brew a mind-altering concoction of some sort. You might wonder how Snape could get away with being so rude to the aristocratic Lucius. Well it is quite simple: Snape brewed a killer absinthe. Plus, he was quite good at harvesting poppies and cannabis leaves and other illegal plants that flourished in Lucius Malfoy's garden.  
  
Lucius raised an elegant blond eyebrow at this.  
  
"I gave my gardener specific instructions to have that plant removed. I shall have to have him killed and advertise for a new gardener," he stated as if discussing the weather.  
  
Snape grumbled something as he continued to labor over the wormwood, cigarette positioned in one corner of his mouth between clenched, uneven teeth. Snape always grumbled because ninety-nine percent of the time he was in a foul mood. The remaining one percent of happiness in his life was split between drug or alcohol induced highs, deducting points from the other Houses in Hogwarts (particularly Gryffindor), and making his students lives miserable (particularly those of Gryffindor).  
  
Lucius sighed with impatience and idlely tapped his regal can against the ground. Glancing here and there, his sharp eyes noticed a flagstone path, mostly hidden by tall flowering hedges that snaked further into the garden.  
  
'I don't recall that path being there before,' he thought.  
  
"Where does it lead?" he wondered aloud.  
  
"I don't know! Stop bothering me!" snarled Snape without looking up.  
  
Snape had absolutely no inclination as to what Lucius was referring to. He didn't much care. Snape generally responded hatefully to all questions without paying much heed to the actual contents of them.  
  
Finger poised thoughtfully beneath his nose, Lucius stepped closer to the winding path.  
  
"For a mentat, you talk too much, Piter," semi-quoted the Plagiarizing Pansy.  
  
"Shut up, you insufferable plant!" hissed Snape, glaring at the Plagiarizing Pansy with utter hatred in his black eyes. "Lucius, if you'll allow me a moment, I'll take the Floo Network back to my place and get my special plant poison. Lucius?"  
  
The Potions Master was not pleased to look up and see his friend ignoring him and following a path into thick foliage.  
  
"Where are you going, Lucius? You do realize that I hate you! Damn it! He really can't hear me, and now I'm sitting here talking to myself like a moron."  
  
With a Snapish scowl, Snape got to his feet and went after his friend. He paused beside the Plagiarizing Pansy and gave it a good kick before continuing on his way. Snape intended to give Lucius a thorough bitching once he caught up with him. However, before Snape could ever open his mouth, he and Lucius turned and came to a dead halt.  
  
"Severus...do you see what I see?" whispered a mystified Lucius.  
  
"I'm...not...sure," replied a very confused Potions Master.  
  
As Deatheaters, the two Slytherins had seen many things most people cannot even begin to fathom, but this!  
  
They stood in an amazing technicolor garden with enormous flowers in groovy tempera colors; rainbow mushrooms the size of buses; purple ponds; lemon custard lily pads, and grass such a stunning emerald green it seem to swim the longer one stared at it. A faint melody filled the air, growing louder by degrees. Lucius jabbed Snape with his cane.  
  
"Look at that!" he exclaimed, pointing with a gloved finger.  
  
"Ow! That hurt, you dirty son-of-a-"  
  
Snape's eternal bitching failed him when he saw the source of Lucius' awe.  
  
Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron stood atop a stage made entirely of ribbon candy. Clad in their Beatles Sgt. Pepper's outfits (complete with moustaches) the four played instruments and Draco began to sing.  
  
"Picture yourself in a boat on the river with, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies."  
  
Lucius had recovered enough to shout at his son, "Draco! What in the name of Merlin's feminine outerwear are you doing?"  
  
"Something calls you, you answer quite slowly, a girl with kaleidoscope eyes," sang Draco.  
  
Ron began to play the drums and all four children (or teenagers, if you like) sang in unison:  
  
"Lucius in the sky with diamonds!"  
  
The sky began to show fantastic kaleidoscopic images that somehow bore faint resemblances to Lucius Malfoy. An enormous pink cloud shaped like Lucius Malfoy's cameo, floated by and showered, no not diamonds, but heaps of Hershey's Kisses right on Snape's greasy black head.  
  
"Ouch! Stop that, you idiotic cloud! The-are these chocolates?" demanded the irritable Potions Master, his large nose inhaling the rich aroma of the Muggle sweets. "Merlin's happy trail, Lucius! It is raining chocolate!"  
  
Crafty Slytherin that he is, Snape dropped to his knees and scooped handfuls of Hershey's Kisses into his voluminous black robes.  
  
"Lucius in the skyy-y-y-yyy with diaaaaaaaaamonds!" sang the teenagers.  
  
"This is fucked up," stated Lucius Malfoy, because he did not know what else to say.  
  
His cane sprouted Elrond type eyebrows and replied, "Indeed it is, my good sir. Excuse me now; I am late for the races."  
  
Lucius Malfoy's cane then walked across the grassy knoll and disappeared into the enormous Rocky Horror Picture Show lips that lowered, then burst into golden streamers.  
  
"This is too strange for me," declared Lucius and ran in a random direction.  
  
Snape continued to stuff his robes with chocolates. The Head of Slytherin House cursed loudly when Lucius yanked him upright and forced him to run. You see, Lucius had run all the way back to retrieve his friend. Wasn't that nice of Lucius? Actually, he only came back because he was scared to be along amongst the madness.  
  
The pink cloud cameo of Lucius tried to follow but could not enter the next scene, which contained fruit trees. Candied fruit trees. Draco's voice gently wafted through the breeze.  
  
"Let me take you down, 'cos I'm going to...Strawberry Fields...nothing is real...and nothing to get hung about. Strawberry Fields forever."  
  
Snape popped another Hershey's kiss into his mouth and lit a cigarette. Then he noticed...  
  
"Lucius, where is your cane?"  
  
"It went to the races."  
  
Snape eyed Lucius as though he were mentally unstable, but said nothing. The two walked past a shrubbery of peppermint tassels and came across a lime picket fence housing some very normal-looking sheep.  
  
"That's odd," commented Snape, meaning it was odd for the sheep to be so normal in the abnormal garden.  
  
One of the sheep turned around. Then another and another. Each bore the face of Argus Filch, caretaker of Hogwarts. Both Slytherins recoiled.  
  
"Now that is just plain disturbing," remarked Lucius as they backed away from the fence and decided to go right.  
  
"I liked the other scene better," grumbled Snape, unwrapped another Hershey Kiss, and tossed the foil wrapper onto the ground.  
  
No sooner had Snape spoken than a roaring sound broke the quiet. A purple haze of cotton candy smoke enveloped them. When the smoke cleared, a large bus that looked as though the Knight Bus and the Mystery Machine had united and spawned offspring, appeared.  
  
"My clothes reek of cotton candy," exclaimed an outraged Lucius.  
  
Snape decided to keep silent the fact that Lucius' prized ash blond hair held the faintest tinge of purple. Instead, Snape smirked and ate more chocolate.  
  
The doors of the bus opened and Stan Shunpike stood in the doorway.  
  
"Roll up!" he shouted.  
  
Drums started to play and a chorus sang, "Roll up for the Mystery Tour!"  
  
Snape swallowed his Hershey Kiss whole as he and Lucius instinctively clutched one another in their fear.  
  
Draco appeared in complete Willie Wonka regalia, followed by Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Marcus Flint and Blaise Zabini.  
  
"Roll up!" sang Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Marcus Flint and Blaise Zabini.  
  
"And that's an invitation," sang Draco in reply, doing neat tricks with his top hat.  
  
"Roll up for the Mystery Tour!" chorused the Slytherins, who were dressed like the Scooby Doo gang. "Roll up!"  
  
"To make a reservation," continued Draco, leading his group toward the bus and twirling his Willie Wonka replica cane.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron (still on the drums) lowered from a stage made up to resemble a cosmic rainbow. They still wore their Sgt. Pepper's outfits, moustaches included.  
  
Snape frowned at his friend and said, "Only you would have a garden with a Mystery Tour."  
  
"This is not of my doing," insisted Lucius. "Stop eating my chocolate!" he added, whacking a Hershey Kiss out of Snape's bony fingers.  
  
"It fell from the sky, you nitwit! It was free for the taking!"  
  
"Well, it fell in my garden; therefore, it is my chocolate and I believe you have had quite enough," retorted Lucius most airily.  
  
Snape scowled and muttered something akin to, "At least I do not own a ridiculous cane that attends the races."  
  
"The Magical Mystery Tour is waiting to take you away," sang Draco, jumping atop the bus.  
  
"Waiting to take you away!" chorused the Slytherins, already aboard the bus and leaning out the windows.  
  
A mystified moose (please don't ask) flew by, gently puffing on a dandelion cigar.  
  
"Now I have seen everything," stated Lucius and hurried on his way.  
  
"Wait for me!" Snape swooped by the bus and after his friend.  
  
Blaise Zabini caught hold of Snape's sleeve.  
  
"Professor, wait! You must accompany the Slytherins on the Magical Mystery Tour," insisted Blaise, trying to heave Snape inside the bus through the window.  
  
"I do not want to go on the bloody Magical Mystery Tour. Let go at once!" commanded Snape, prepared to chop off his own arm to escape if necessary.  
  
Everything turned sideways. Lucius and Snape fell into the gaping maw of the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips that appeared in midair.  
  
"Is this part of the Magical Mystery Tour?" Lucius wanted to know.  
  
Snape hit him in response, though he had secretly wondered the same thing.  
  
A moment later, Snape screamed; all his beloved Hershey Kisses had fallen from the lined inner pockets of his black robes into the neon orange abyss below.  
  
"I have entirely lost my faith!" he announced with candor.  
  
Lucius only shook his head. Severus always had to be so dramatic.  
  
A gong sounded. The two men found themselves seated at a large dinner table in a red room surrounded by mirrors a black void in place of a ceiling.  
  
Hermione Granger sat on an oversized tuffet, playing a sitar. She had traded her Sgt. Pepper's attire and moustache for a simple toga made of pink cloud sheets. In other words, sheets with pink clouds printed on them. Yes, the same pink cloud that resembled Lucius Malfoy's cameo was patterned on Hermione Granger's toga. Snape felt a tad jealous that his cameo had not been immortalized onto clothing.  
  
"Welcome, honored guests," greeted Draco from the head of the table. Draco had decided to wear his more conservative Jedi Master robes.  
  
Harry and Ron sat sharing a hookah across from Hermione. Both work kilts and dinner jacket with bright red carnations. Draco looked at Hermione and nodded. Hermione stopped playing the sitar and clapped her hands twice.  
  
"Bring forth the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth," she called out in a loud, clear voice.  
  
Lucius and Snape exchanged quizzical looks. Lucius shrugged at Snape, who narrowed his black eyebrows. Neville Longbottom emerged from one of the mirrors, bearing a most groovy lava lamp. He placed the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth in the middle of the dinner table and vanished. Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron bowed deeply in reverence before the most groovy lava lamp.  
  
"Oooooooh man...I'm so freakin' stoned," coughed Ron.  
  
"Shhhh!" hissed the other teenagers.  
  
Bizarre music filled the air. This told Snape and Lucius that things were about to get very strange.  
  
Draco tied an electric blue scarf covered with bright yellow smiley faces around his head and sang, "I am he as you are he as we are all together." He and the other teenagers began to hop around the dinner table. "See how they run like pigs from a gun..."  
  
Harry and Ron's hookah suddenly spewed great bursts of lovely paisley smoke as Draco continued the song. Lucius and Snape began to cough violently and their eyes watered profusely.  
  
"I-can't-breathe," hacked Snape.  
  
"Just go with it, man," said Harry, beginning to ungulate.  
  
"Draco Malfoy, I've had quite enough of this nonsense. Sit down, young man," ordered Lucius, struggling not to succumb to the spaced out sensation overtaking him.  
  
Draco leapt onto the table and sang the best part:  
  
"I am the eggman!"  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron dropped to one knee and pointed at Draco while singing, "Oooh!"  
  
"They are the eggman," continued Draco, dancing around the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth.  
  
Harry, Hermione and Ron threw their arms up in the air, twirled once, and sang, "Oooooh!"  
  
"I am the walrus. GOO GOO G'JOOB!" finished Draco and bit into a dodecahedron waffle.  
  
The mirrored walls lifted and sunshine filled the room that was suddenly outside. A new tune filled the air, as did much intoxicating paisley smoke from Ron and Harry's hookah; now the size of a small house. The Lava Lamp of Divine Truth had also grown to vast proportions and glowed with colors not of this world.  
  
Snape and Lucius found themselves amongst a large crowd of people, holding hands and standing around the now tremendous Lava Lamp of Divine Truth. Draco, Harry, Hermione and Ron were present, once more wearing their Sgt. Pepper's finery, moustaches included. The Slytherins were there, as were Neville Longbottom, the Argus Filch headed sheep (remember them?); the Rocky Horror Picture Show lips; Lucuis Malfoy's cane (who had won a tidy sum at the races); the pink cloud that resembled Lucius Malfoy's cameo; the mystified moose with the dandelion cigar, and the Plagiarizing Pansy.  
  
"We all live in a yellow submarine. Yellow submarine. Yellow submarine," sang everybody.  
  
Lucius and Snape sang along as well, for they were mightily stoned.  
  
"This is the coolest moment of my life!" proclaimed Lucius and hopped aboard the yellow submarine carousel that had recently been the Lava Lamp of Divine Truth.  
  
"I love the yellow submarine!" exclaimed Snape, genuinely happy for once in his life as he shared a dandelion cigar with the mystified moose.  
  
Narcissa walked over to them and said, "Wake up, Lucius! Do you want to be late for work?"  
  
Lucius Malfoy jerked awake to find his wife shaking him. He did not know whether to thank Narcissa or be angry at her. Lucius hurried to get ready for work with the dream fresh on his mind.  
  
"That had to be the oddest thing I have ever dreamed in my entire life," he said aloud, grabbing his cane before Apparating to the Ministry of Magic.  
  
"I quite agree," replied his cane that had suddenly sprouted Elrond type eyebrows.  
  
FIN  
  
A/N: All song lyrics belong to the Beatles and their record company. Any Lord of the Rings dialogue belongs to the Tolkien estate. Kudos to those of you who guessed the line from the late Frank Herbert's "Dune". 


End file.
